I'm Like Sasquatch...

Everyone hears about me, but no one has seen me. Mostly like Sasquatch, because I did exist at some point in the past. I have been spending the past few days trying to find ME again, the one that has been lost in a haze of working, and taking care of people, and running like the wind through a blinding blizzard of reality.

Well, I left off blogging a VERY long time ago, and that was mostly because I had a terrible case of cabin fever and the birds were singing, the breeze was blowing, and the sun was shining. It was all too much to let pass by while I stayed inside punching out sometimes intelligible words on this box.

I started work at the end of June at a summer camp, supervising in the kitchen. Well, somewhat supervising. My job was more to assist the cook with preparations and to lord my expertise over the heads of Mirek and Maya, my two underlings from across the globe. It didn't take much lording though, for these two were exceptional workers with great ethics, very fast learners to boot. It made my life much easier this summer than previous years, but it was still pretty hectic.

I had to arrive at work by 6 a.m. to help with preparations, serve up the food, then clean up after the children had left the dining room. Most often, we had trucks delivering supplies twice a week, and we had to unload them and put things where they belonged. Sweeping, chopping, stirring, waitressing... to say that I couldn't wait to leave there was the biggest understatement of the year.

I keep in touch with Maya and Mirek, for they had huge hearts and we spent a lot of time together on their days off. I have photos of both of them from when they came and stayed here overnight, and might post them sometime in the future.

We purchased a Wii mid-summer, and a Wii-Fitness to go with it for me. I spent every work break I had and days off on that thing. Gave up soda, cut back on junk food, changed the sizes of my portions. Losing 28 pounds was more than worth it for me, and I'm really glad that we made the investment.

If you will recall, there are pictures of me posted in certain spots on my blog. Pics of me with long hair. That was taken care of my first week at work when I cut it off to a long pixie version. By the end of summer, I had enough of the look.

With September ending, I really hacked it all off. Seriously all off. My hair is now a very short cut (the kind that is supposed to flip up in the back but I really don't care for it). Today, I went and had it touched up a bit and dyed. I'm still trying to figure out just what color my hair was changed to. Lol, not really. It is still a basic brown with thick golden highlights. It's not bad, and not far off from what I have been wearing since September.

I stopped working on August 26th, and we took the rugrats to Darien Lake for an overnight stay. They loved it, even if it did rain quite a bit while we were there and tent camping. Toad overcame some of his fears, and we found out that Princess is the biggest daredevil of us all. She was royally pissed when they told her she was too short for most of the thrilling rides.

I had roughly 5 days off total from work when I started babysitting 4 children for a friend. I drove 28 miles one way, pretty much 5 days a week, until October hit. The pay was okay, and the children weren't too hyper, unless I brought Buckwheat with me. For some reason, Buckwheat has determined that he couldn't get along with these children, leaving me with 4 screaming children most days while working with a newborn. So when I stopped babysitting in early October, I was mostly relieved. I could finally go back to wasting my days at the computer and be my miserable cave dwelling self again.

I received a call about a week and a half after stopping the babysitting by my friend, asking me to give her a hand for 2 days while her husband worked because she was ill. I went back to babysitting on a Thursday, and was thinking on Friday when I left that it was over for good.

I called my friend's hubby on that Saturday to ask if we were still able to get a dishwasher from them, and while that conversation was the intent of the call, I found out some other stuff that led me to call him back later that night for an update.

That call sealed my fate, for he asked me to come and sit with the guys while he tended to business. T-Bone went along with me, since it was night driving that I don't get along with, and we arrived just before 9 in the evening. We didn't get back home until 3:45 in the morning on Sunday. It was exhausting, but easy, since all of the children were in bed, including mine. The baby awoke occasionally, but it wasn't for long.

On that Sunday, he updated me fully and said that he was in a jam for a babysitter. Honestly, at that time, we needed the money. T-Bone's employer was curtailing every 4 days out of 14, which was leaving him shy a whole week's paycheck half the time. So I agreed, and showed up so he could go to work on that Monday.

I'm not going to go into details, it's not my place. I will say that I was there for a full month again before deciding that my time had come to make my exit. I did wind up quitting a day ahead of time, but for just cause. T-Bone played a huge part in it, and although I defy my husband a lot (his opinions are usually half-hearted suggestions anyway), this time I saw his point. His position at work could be in jeopardy over some events, and to me, his job was more important than the other guy's. Rude, I know. But, I have to be honest and get it off my chest, and I think that trying to get it out without mentioning vital things will make me feel better.

I miss the kids that I babysat for, and I honestly thought that I wouldn't. Firstly, they aren't my children. I don't bond with children that aren't mine, never really have, and never really will. But for some bizarre reason, even if I didn't bond in my sense, I did spend a lot of time with those children and that's hard to get rid of, bonded or not. I miss the baby sitting on my lap, her head resting in the crook of my knee while her feet pushed at my belly, cooing like crazy and waving her fists in the air. I miss the 2 year old guy and the way he always said "Not yet!", or the way that he would lay his head on my shoulder when I removed him from his crib in the morning and when putting him down for a nap. I miss their oldest daughter, and the look she always gave when she knew she was caught doing something that I was trying to get her out of the habit of. She liked to sneak into the refrigerator or take food and drinks from the cupboard without asking, usually making a huge mess if the deed was done quietly. I tried to instill in her that if she's hungry, just ask. If I say "no", it's probably for a reason. Not a proper food for the time of day, it was junk food, meal time was coming, etc. Especially, I miss the oldest child. Even though he could be a handful, it all seemed to go away when he willingly reached up to grab my hand when I would take him to school or pick him up. Or, when he would climb up on the couch with me in the late afternoon and sit there with his head on my arm while he watched T.V.

I'm not quite sure what this blog post was about to begin with, it really all came out in a haze and I'm sure that it doesn't follow any proper kind of flow. It's just a jumbled mess, much like my life has been since late Spring. There are so many things I want to say, and I know that I shouldn't. So many things I want to let people know that I experienced and felt, and I can't. So many things that were driving me to the brinks of depression on a daily basis, making me struggle to hold onto it all for the sake of not only my family, but someone else's too. I want to let other people know that I held on for the sake of their family too, and that I don't feel properly thanked. Those people can take it as they may, but if they really, really, thought about it, they too would realize that I went above and beyond to try to be a true friend by putting my life on hold, and by guiding their children. I don't want to be special, I don't want a medal, I don't want praise. I want to go back to that place where I'm not just THE BABYSITTER, which is what I became, and quickly. I was no longer a friend, a confidante, a shoulder to cry on. I was a functioning maid, and well, I guess since I was getting paid in cash that the money should be enough to fix my wounded ego.

I can honestly say that if this post is read, and offends anyone, it's for good reason. There is NOTHING bad in here about anyone, no names, no references, no innuendos. Just wounded feelings, and I'm sure that this will let me know just what level I was at.