Twisted T-Bone

My niece mentioned having to do a book report the other day, and asked for input on some good reading material. She is in 9th grade, so anything somewhat worth reading would have been suitable for a report.
But, when T-Bone's around, you know it ain't gonna be that easy. Here's T-Bone's idea of perfect book report fodder, and what it really means to him. Honestly, it got me thinking outside the box. Which fits, as you will see.

T-Bone seems to think that Dr. Seuss was a big time druggie. And, on a further note, he thinks that Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham is a prime example of this hippie's wanderings in psychedelic euphoria. His take on the book is as follows...

I am Sam
I am Sam
Sam I am

Meet Sam. A.K.A., the big drug pusher. Sam's goal in Whoville? To wreak havoc upon little Who's with his drugs of choice, Green Eggs and Ham. In this harmless childrens' book, T-Bone finds the real inner soul to the entire ponderings found within. And Sam I Am is peer pressure, offering his Green Eggs and Ham to any willing soul that will take it. He even tries to entice them, by making some huge offerings along the way.

When it comes to Sam I Am, he will offer you any avenue imaginable that will grease the wheels of your imagination, and entice you into trying his drugs. His Green Eggs and Ham always look better when he offers them in the following ways.

Would you like them
here or there?
Would you like them
in a house?
Would you like them
with a mouse?
Would you eat them
in a box?
Would you eat them
with a fox?
Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Eat them! Eat them!
Here they are.
You may like them.
You will see.
You may like them
in a tree!
A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you, would you,
on a train?
Not on a train! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! Sam! Let me be!
Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?
Would you, could you, in the rain?
Could you, would you,
with a goat?
Would you, could you,
on a boat?

See where T-Bone is coming from? There are only so many things that a poor Who can resist. And here, Sam I Am nearly offers the world.

He chooses one poor soul in particular for this rendition of his drug pushing. Of course, being that this book is really about drug use (in T-Bone's mind), the pushee is nameless to protect his identity.

And, in the beginning, this little guy really hates Sam I Am.

That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am!

Now, to give this little guy credit, he does one hellacious job of refusing Sam I Am all through the ordeal.
He repeatedly refuses Sam I Am's offers on a platter, as you can see.

I could not, would not, on a boat.
I will not, will not, with a goat.
I will not eat them in the rain.
I will not eat them on a train.
Not in the dark! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! You let me be!
I do not like them in a box.
I do not like them with a fox.
I will not eat them in a house.
I do not like them with a mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them ANYWHERE!

I do not like
green eggs
and ham!

I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.

He puts up quite a fight, through nearly the whole story. But the drug pushing Sam I Am keeps chipping away at poor unnamed's resolve until he finally breaks. And break he does...

Sam!
If you will let me be,
I will try them.
You will see.

And this is where Sam I Am ropes in another one...

Say!
I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
And I would eat them in a boat.
And I would eat them with a goat...

And I will eat them in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
They are so good, so good, you see!

So I will eat them in a box.
And I will eat them with a fox.
And I will eat them in a house.
And I will eat them with a mouse.
And I will eat them here and there.
Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!

I do so like
green eggs and ham!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Sam-I-am!

Another soul lost to the whacked out world of drugs. Peer pressure is hard to overcome, and poor unnamed couldn't fight it off any longer. He was sucked under by the illustrious Sam I Am.

Mind you, this is just T-Bone's take on Green Eggs and Ham. It really doesn't mean that the story is really about drug pushing. What it does mean, is that T-Bone has too much time on his hands. And that he needs to get a different hobby, and leave that poor cheeba puffin' Dr. Seuss alone.